To love is to respect and to respect is to love. One of the common themes I have noticed amongst the couples I have worked with is that while in general men and women will often talk about not feeling loved or not feeling respected, the words, they're using to describe the behaviors of their significant other that led them to feel this way, are words that would make more sense describing something different. Meaning when I often hear a woman saying that she doesn't feel respected the behaviors that she describes her significant other doing would lead me to think she doesn’t feel that she is being cared for. What she really describes is being unloved. Likewise, I have noticed that often when a man says he is unloved by his significant other. The behaviors he describes that his significant other does would be describing a lack of respect.
From this small data sample, I would hypothesize that women feel disrespected when they're not being loved well. Also, that men feel unloved when they're not being respected. Love and respect go hand in hand. Most people will agree with the statement if you love somebody you respect them. However, what we define as respect and what we define as love can look different from the different viewpoints of the sexes.
When I first came across this observation it was a bit confusing. However, as I kept noticing it with my clients it helped me to give them the language that would be beneficial for describing what they needed. What I mean by this, is that if you are a man and you are saying I am unloved or if you're a woman and you say I am not being respected then your significant other may be confused as to what you need from them. When we define the behaviors that a man is looking for to feel loved or that a woman is looking for to feel respected then we do not leave room for mind reading which never works.
Ask yourself how do I define love and respect. What behaviors do I want to see from my significant other to feel love or respected. If you are feeling a lack of love or respect from your significant other do not use broad words as they can have different meanings to different people. Always discuss the behaviors and this can go back to XYZ communication. Remember that is in situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z.
For example, a man who says he is not feeling loved by his significant other because the actions they are doing appears disrespectful. May say when we are having a discussion, and you talk over me, I don't feel loved. This is far easier to understand than simply I don't feel loved, which the significant other is likely to say well why wouldn't you feel loved ? You know I love you. Or for the woman, who may say I don't feel respected. Using XYZ, she could say; When the children are giving me a hard time and you don't back me up,, I don't feel respected. In both examples we can see that while the man is using the word love what he is describing is respect. And while the language the woman is using is respected, she is describing is being supported and cared for which is love. If these couples use vague language the message is likely to not be heard.
Why do men see respect as love and women see love as respect? Because we are each looking for something different from the other. In general women are looking to be cherished and cared for. In general men are looking for someone who believes in them, maybe even looks up to them, finds them competent and resourceful. With that said, I understand there will be those who say well I know a person who doesn't fit that OK, yes there are always outliers, the exception makes the rule!
I hope this information helps you in exploring your needs and having conversations with your significant other about them. Remember the prime directive is always to protect the relationship!
MaryAnn Newsom LMFT CSTIP ASDCS CCTP CTMH
Commenti