Let’s talk about SEX!
Why does the word SEX have so much emotional weight? You have the people who dare not say it (I was once one of them lol). Then there are the ones who say it with glee. Then the ones who use it for shock value. It is just a word that describes an action that happens between people. The most popular jokes are about what else? SEX! We are a sex-obsessed society and a sexually oppressed society. Now I understand there are different views about when is the right time to have sex, with whom to have sex, and even some on how to have sex. I am not here to step on anyone’s moral toes! I am going to address sex from the role it plays in a relationship. Especially, the value it adds to a long-term relationship.
Where did the passion go? This is a question I hear often in my work with couples. I used to have so much desire for him/her. Or they use to have so much desire for me. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Now we are limping along sexually. It has become boring, it hardly happens, or it has become nonexistent. The number of couples living in sex-starved relationships is higher than you think. It isn’t even the older couple of 10, 20, or 30-plus years together. There are people in their 20s who have been married for less than 10 years not having enough sex by their own definition. I have come across numerous couples who have had extremely low sexual frequencies as well as those who are truly sexless and have been for years.
According to the definition of a sexless relationship, there needs to be an absence of sex for 6 months or more. That is a long time, however, even infrequent sexual activity can put a strain on relationships. When I inform them that this is not healthy for their relationship, they seem surprised. As if being in a relationship was all about paying bills, doing laundry, and possibly raising kids. There have been times when a couple will say they have a good or normal sex life to only describe to me sexual infrequency in the relationship. When I explain this is may be impacting one or both partners, they sometimes become defensive. So why would a couple who rarely has sex think that they have a good sex life?
This could stem from a desire issue in one or both partners. This could stem from arousal, orgasm, erectile dysfunction, or any other sexual enjoyment inhibitors. With that said, often I have seen it come from family values. What they saw (not actually seen more of awareness) between their parents. Or the messages they received about sex growing up. Or even talking with other friends who are also struggling sexually. Furthermore, one or both partners may feel their sex life is inadequate, however, are afraid to express that to their partner. The reality is that there is not enough discussion about sex or about how to have a substantial sex life.
Frequent sex is important to maintain. Although this can change with age and physicality among other factors it helps to keep the bond alive! When we have sex, we bond with our partners. Suddenly those hot-topic issues don’t seem to bother us as much. We release oxytocin which is known for its role in bonding. It literally renews our love, attachment, and connection to our partner. When we don’t have sex, we can feel disconnected, frustrated, and less in love. In addition to oxytocin, we also release norepinephrine, dopamine, and vasopressin, these further enhance mood, health, and bonding with our partner. Not only is a sex-starved couple not reaping the benefits from sex, but they are also putting more strain on their relationship. Sex is the most intimate act you can do with another person. It can communicate you are loved. You are wanted. You have value to me. These are messages that need to be continually generated in a long-term relationship. When we stop feeling loved, wanted, and valued we start to fall out of love!
Yes, being in love and staying in love has to do with feeling loved. We all have love
languages. We all have love banks. When our partner uses our love language and/or fulfills our basic relationship needs we fill loved. Physical intimacy in the form of sex is a basic relationship need and also is related to the love language of touch, this helps fill our love banks. When our love banks are full, we are in love with our partner. When our love banks are depleted, we can and often do fall out of love with our partner. Now there are other ways to fill your partners and your love banks, however, sex is a big one that cannot be ignored if you want a successful relationship. Sex starvation diets will cause massive damage to any loving relationship. Protect your relationship by protecting your sex life! Do not let other people or commitments get in the way. Yes, you must go to work, however, you do not have to work all day and night. Make time to fill your and your partner's love banks with some sexual intimacy. Remember the prime directive is to protect the relationship!
MaryAnn Newsom BS, MA, LMFT, ASDCS, CCTP, CTMH, CSTIP
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