Good vs Poor Father-Daughter Relationships
Fathers shape the way their daughters view men. The more positive the relationship a daughter has with her father the more likely she is to have a positive outlook about men in general. Likewise, the more negative the relationship is between a daughter and father, it is likely to shape her views about men in negative way. This can become the filter in which she sees the male species through. As part of the human learning experience is that we take information in from our experiences and apply that to other situations that are similar. And we know what children experience highly shapes their worldviews. The younger the child the more impact it has on their world view or the lens they filter information through. It also impacts their attachment style.
Attachment styles can be secure, meaning you trust that people will take care of your needs, and be there for you. They can be insecure, meaning a lack of trust in others to be dependable in meeting your needs. This could show up as avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, or disorganised attachment. It is hard to have a healthy relationship when you have an insecure attachment. https://www.sexloveandmarriage.com/post/attachment-style-and-relationships
A woman who grew up having a poor father-daughter relationship is likely to have a negative view of men..There is a significant probailty that she will struggle with trusting men. Trusting that they meet her needs consistently or they will not abandon her. This is the lens in which she will likely look at romantic partners through. In addition, if she has an insecure attachment, it will affect her ability to truly connect with her romantic partner. She may be avoidant and keep herself distant. She may be anxious and constantly worry and not be able to enjoy the relationship for what it is. Or she may have a combination of both were she distance herself but then become anxious alternating between the two. There are a few different ways attachment issues can show up in a relationship but none of them are fruitful to the stability and quality of the relationship.
Now let's look on the flip side, what if she experienced a good father-daughter relationship. How does that impact her romantic relationship? She will be far more likely to see men in a positive light. See men as trustworthy and dependable. Believe that men will meet her needs. Be able to fully connect in a relationship and feel safe and content. While these are all positive influences and wil contiibute to a healthy relationship overall. I wonder if there is not a potential negaitve influence in romantic relationships, for a woman who had a good father-daughter relationship. Yes, I understand that this doesn't make any sense, but just stay with me for a second on this challenging thought.
While I mentioned all those positive attributes to having a healthy father daughter-relationship are true. The problem may lie in expecting a romantic partner, i.e. a husband to live up to the same expectations that a good father sets. There are overlaps in the role of a good father and a good husband. But it's probably far easier to be a good father than it is to be a good husband. The father-daughter relationship is not reciprocal. .As fathers gives out more to their daughter than they expect in return. A good father may expect you to keep your grades up, be a clean and tidy person, and live up to the ethical standards of the family. While a husband is going to have far more expectations out of a wife. He is looking for a reciprocal relationship. Meaning that he expects her to bring in as much energy into the relationship as he does. I define energy as each person putting in the same amount of effort. Which, could be done in many ways. It doesn't mean that each person does the exact same thing 50% of the time. But it does mean that neither party feels taken advantage of in the relationship.
As stated above fathers expect to give out more to their children than they receive in return. Husbands expect that their wife will take care of their needs too.. And this is a distinction that changes the dynamics of relationship greatly, Also, how much a husband can give to his wife. Even a wayward daughter that test her father's patience will still have his love, his loyalty, and his protection. It is not unusual for a father to love his daughter unconditionally. But that is not the way with husbands. If a wife expects to have the same grace from her husband that she does from her father, she will be sadly disappointed. As this may even lead her to feel abandoned. It is important to remember that father will give a her more and expect less in return than a husband will. A fahter daughter relationship is not reciprocal. But for the husband-and-wife relationship to work it must be reciprocal.
The other point I willl make here is that husbands face a different set of challenges than father's do. While there is some overlap in the role of a husband and a father, for example provision, protection, and emotional support. There are many other parts that do not overlap. Romantic relationships especially in the form of marriage are an alliance of two people having each other's back. It's more like a corporate environment, then that of a family of origin environment. You are expected to pull your own wieght and be an asset to the corportioan, .If you strugle in doing those things, you can get docked, demoted, and even fired.
Men go into romantic relationships to have their needs met, and they're willing to try to meet the other person's need in return. Men become fathers with the concept that they are going to meet someone else's needs. The challenge of being a sainted father is easier than the challenge of being a sainted husband, not that I think that is even possible. While we can say that fatherhood and and being a husband are both roles and a calling, they don't have the same degree of sacrifice.
Husbands have a different set of demons, so to speak of, to overcome in order to be good husband then fathers have to in order to be a good father. Fathers have an invested interest in their children that's different than a husband has in his wife. Even genetically it's in the father's best interests to ensure that his own genes move on by taking care of his children. After all this is how we all got here, how the human race has continued on. A romantic relationship, even that of a marriage can be difficult to replace but not impossible to replace. It is impossible to replace a child though. The goals are different, and the stakes are different for each of these roles.
In closing, between the two options of having a good father-daughter relationship vs a poor father-daughter relationship, I would say having a good relationship is far more beneficial to a woman's future romantic relationship. The caveat here is that a woman needs to understand her husband cannot love her or sacrifice for her in the same way that her father did. No man on this planet will be just as great as her dad. He might be a great dad to her children in the same way. Howevr, as a romantic partner he will not be as perfect. It would be wise for a woman to recognize the differences between these two roles. A husband is never going to fulfill a father's shoes. If a woman holds him to the same standard of care that she would her father, she will be left heartbroken!
MaryAnn Newsom BS, MA, LMFT, ASDCS, CCTP, CSTIP
Comments