Do you treat your co-workers better than your partner?
It is an unfortunate truth in this world that the very person someone says is the most important to them is also the person they give the least of themselves to. As a marriage and family therapist, I see countless couples who come in hoping to repair the damage done to their relationships. They do not understand how they went from being so in love and so in tune to feeling like their partner is a complete stranger. A stranger they are not very fond of either. Sometimes a stranger they cannot stand to be around.
So how does this happen? How do couples go from cherishing their partner to feeling disconnected from them? There are many things that happen over time in a relationship that can dampen if not destroy the sentiment between partners. Some of these things are unavoidable parts of the external world. Others are pits they dig themselves. Over time both of these change the way they start to view their partner. Instead of the rose-colored glasses that young lovers often view their partners through one or both partners in a relationship will view things through increasingly darker more sinister lenses.
Sometimes it is as simple as not appreciating your partner's efforts in the relationship. I hear couples often say how much their partner has changed. Obviously, that is true to a point as humans continually change as they experience more life. However, what the person is not realizing is that they too have changed. Not just in their words and/or deeds, but, in their perspective as well. Ask yourself does the things that I use to love about my partner, still hold the same value to me? For example, are you just as appreciative when your partner makes your favorite meal as you were the first few times they did? Do you even think to thank them for it? All the little things that a partner does to woo the other in the beginning can start to lose their value if the other partner stops appreciating them. Then as the acclimations decline so does the desirable behavior. Partner 1, who initially appreciated their partner and showed them is now left with Partner 2 doing less of the things they like. Now we have a situation where the first partner is focused on what is not happening and is possibly resenting the 2cd partner for letting them down.
Now even if Partner 1 had shown adequate appreciation sometimes illness, changes in physicality, emotional issues, and life demands can impede Partner 2 from continuing wooing Partner 1 in the same manner. This too can lead to frustration, anger, and even resentment. What both Partner 1 and Partner 2 are failing to see is that they need to bring the same level of commitment to each other as they did in the beginning. I have often seen couples who treat their kids better, their parents better, and even their co-workers better than their own partners. They will show gratitude towards others for even the basic of kindness. However, ignore, dismiss, or even rally against their partner's wooing attempts. Did you thank your partner for dinner last night? Did you thank your partner for working hard for your family’s success? Did you thank your partner for spending time with you?
It goes further than gratitude though. Partners, unfortunately, start to give their most loved ones their worst. Yes, in long-term relationships, there will be times when you see your partner's worst, and good relationships can recover from that. Your worst though should be the rare exception rather than the norm. If you treat anyone else better than your own partner, you are failing in your relationship! Watch what you say and how you say it! I cannot stress enough the importance of knowing the impact of your words on your partner. Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Lashing out to alleviate your own stress is never kind, necessary, or helpful. It is harder to repair damage and maintain love when this type of toxicity continually exists. When feeling flustered remember you love this person. So, act accordingly and protect them from your wrath! Be kind and gracious with your partner. Woo them! Ask them how you can love them better! Remember the prime directive is to protect the relationship.
MaryAnn Newsom LMFT CSTIP ASDCS CCTP CTMH
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