As a mental health professional I am increasingly concerned by seeing couples on their last leg considering separation. Furthermore, I am concerned by the negative attitudes towards relationship, especially marriage in our modern society. We have to ask if marriage is beneficial? To ask this we have to first ask, is marriage beneficial for the individual? Is marriage beneficial for the children of the union? The purpose of this article is to consider a sample of research on the benfits of marriage.
To answer this we have to look at the benefits of a healthy marriage. Notice I said healthy marriage not a perfect marriage. As there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. This is 100% due to the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect person. If there is no such thing as a perfect person then two imperfect people cannot have a perfect marriage. One of the concerning factors I see in the marriage debate is this idea of a fairy tale marriage. Let me be perfectly clear there is no happily ever after! Every elderlly couple celebrating 50 or even 75+ years of marriage will attest to that. Unfortutuantley, authors and movie studios have sold the public a flat out lie of what healthy marriage looks like.
By now you are asking what is a healthy marriage. I would say a healthy marriage is one where both people are striving to meet the needs of the other. Where both people are taking care of their own mental and physical health so they are able strive to meet the needs of the other. Including but not limited to, both people checking their unrealistic expectations. In addition to working through their family of origin issues and/or influences that may be impacting the marriage in a negative way.
To break it down further I would say, both people need to openly discuss their needs and issues in a productive way using the guidelines of it being kind, necessary, and helpful. Each person needs to continually work to check their own selfishness. Each person needs to work to be empathic towards their spouse and extend them grace when appropriate. The attitude of marriage should be, I am continually striving to bring my spouse the best version of myself.
Even with all these great attributes there will be times when imperfect people will fail to bring their spouse the best version of themselves. However, each person in the marriage needs to take great care to protect the marriage against these times so they are fair and few between. A key point to remember here is the Gottman's institutes 5:1 ratio. The Gottman institutes states that for every negative interaction in a marriage there needs to be five positive interactions to bring it back to baseline or recover from the negative interaction. We can also look at this as an 80/20 rule. Meaning 80% of the time things should be positive. Not fairy tale romance positive though. Positive in empathy, consideration, care, and respect. All the above mentioned favourable traits a spouse should have.
Maybe by now you are starting to think that sounds beneficial having someone who is looking out for you in those ways. There are aditional advantages for being married, I will sum of a few of them here starting with the legal benefits,. These included but not limited too: health benefits, family leave, bereavement leave, financial rights, adoption rights, government benefits, tax benefits, medical benefits, death benefits in the form of social security and inheritance rights, and more (1). Research also shows "that ,on average, married people report greater happiness later in life than unmarried people" (4). It further breaks it down to say those who are widowed or never been married are less happy and those who have been separated or divorced are the least happiest (4).
While most of the benefits are mutual for both spouses, there are some that are more beneficial to one sex or the other. For instance men and women can benefit from many of the legal protections in marriage mentioned above. Women though who are mothers can benefit even more so. A Gallup poll has stated that 56% of mothers of children under 18 have the desire to solely work as a stay at home mother/homemaker. The poll further goes on to state that even amongst women with no minor children (it alludes to mothers of adult offspring) that 39% of them would prefer to work solely as a homemaker as well (2). This is not usually a possibility for women without spouses.
The American Psychological Association has also weighed in on the benefits of marriage to individuals, especially the female sex.. According to the Health Psychology journal from the APA "Women who are in satisfying marriages have a health advantage over unmarried women or those in unsatisfying marriages" (3). The APA further states that marriage affords the individual social support and protection from social isolation risks. This is something that would be beneficial for both spouses. Further benefits may be a positive influences leading to healthy life style and behaviours. That also though socio-economic resources benefits all individuals in a marriage,, it suggest women may benefit more from this (3).
As mentioned both spouse benefit from health advantages in marriage, however, PRB publication states that "Married men are more likely to receive regular checkups and medical care, maintain healthy diets, exercise, and enjoy higher standards of living. In addition, married men benefit from lower levels of stress and fewer stress-related diseases.. (5)" Also, that married men benefit from having a spouse to care for them when they are ill. That marriage provides stability for a mans life too. There is also a link between excessive drinking, smoking, and other unhealthy behaviours in men who are widowed, divorced, or never married, compared to married men (5). Additional benefits fall in the realm of social engagement and psychological benefits such as reduced levels of depression, as well increased satisfaction in later life. (5).
The benefits of being raised in a nuclear family
Before I ruffle any feathers, I do not mean to demean any other family structure than the nuclear family. I myself was not raised in a traditional nuclear family, therefore I feel that I do have the right to weigh in on this from my personal experience as well as from my role as a mental health professional. Whether we like it or not all the data points to children who are raised in a Healthy nuclear families as having the most advantages in life. There is numerous research to show that this is the case and that seperated family structures are harmful to children at some level. In fact having a parent out of the home is one of the questions on the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) assessment. This assessment looks at childhood trauma and is significant indicator of later life mental and physical health issues for adults. There is also research to show that children living in homes with substance abuse, child abuse, or domestic violence is also harmful to them. This is why I said healthy nuclear family above. There has been so much research on this subject that books can be written, for the sake of simplicity I will just touch on a few points here . I do recommend that you research this further to get a deeper understanding.
In The Case for Mom and Dad by Sullins PhD, states that the evidence points to children being served best in a nuclear family. That they flourish most from being "under the uninterrupted care of their natural mother and father. (6)." That the information we have had gained over the social experiment of family structure from the past 50 years is
"Single parenting, stepparenting, and cohabitation may or may not have improved the lives of adults, but they have demonstrably degraded the lives of children. (6)". Children raised with both parents have more resources such as financial, health care access, and their parents availability to spend valuable time guiding them and nurturing them through to adulthood. They usually also have more access to their extended family members, creating a large support system for them.
While both mothers and fathers are equally important in their child's daily life, there has been devastating facts pertaining to children raised in fatherless homes. Advocacy groups for the important role a father plays in his children's lives have discussed research showing how a fatherless home can impact a child. It has been stated that " Children from fatherless homes are more likely to be poor, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, drop out of school, and suffer from health and emotional problems. (7)" In addition to this girls have an increased risk of teenage pregnancy and boys have an increased risk of criminal activity and going to jail (7). There is also a significant increased risk of all types of abuse in separated family structures. Additionally increased risk of homelessness, as well as suicide. Most children reside with their mother as their primary care-giver. This is important for a host of reasons. However, there are adverse effects for children not living with their fathers too.. Children need both of their parents full time in the same home anything less and there will be some adverse affects. Again this is just a very small sample of the effects of a non-nuclear family structure on children.
I would conclude although I only touched on some of the evidence in support of marriage it is enough to show that marriage is beneficial to adults and their children. I would further encourage you to keep reading up on the benefits of marriage. I would also encourage you to learn how to have a healthy marriage for your own benefit as well f0r the benefit of your spouse and children.
MaryAnn Newsom, BA, MA, LMFT, CSTIP, ASDCS, CCTP, CTMH
Reference:
Get Legal, The Legal Benefits of Marriage, GetLegal.com; www.getlegal.com/legal-info-center/family-law-divorce/marriage/
Saad, L. Children a Key Factor in Women's Desire, Gallup: www. news.gallup.com/poll/186050/children-key-factor-women-desire-work-outside-home.aspx
APA:. Marriage Appears to Be Beneficial to Women’s Health, But Only When Marital Satisfaction Is High, New Research Shows, APA, www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2003/09/marital-benefit
Simon-Thomas, E. Ph.D., Is Marriage Really Bad for Women’s Happiness?, Greater Good Science Center: www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_marriage_really_bad_for_womens_happiness
PRB., Marriage Benefits Mens Health, Population Reference Bureau: www.prb.org/resources/marriage-benefits-mens-health/#:~:text=Married%20men%20are%20more%20likely,and%20fewer%20stress%2Drelated%20diseases.
Sullins, D.P., PhD, The Case for Mom and Dad, National Library of Medicine: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8033487/
Fathers.com, The consequences of Fatherlessness, Fathers.com
www. fathers.com/the-consequences-of- fatherlessness/#:~:text=As%20supported%20by%20the%20data,to%20become%20pregnant%20as%20teens.
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